Tusk to Tail: All we have are Aggie jokes and hopes for a win over Jimbo’s boys

THE QUESTION
We’re still recovering from last week’s nailbiter against Bobby Petrino’s Bears. So, know any good Aggie jokes?

Todd: I do! They pay a coach $10 million dollars a year to get them 8 wins, and have already lost to App State this season. Over the winter they gave him an extension, and his buyout doubled from $45 million to $90 million. They write their own Aggie jokes.

David: The jokes really do write themselves. Aggie traditions range from corny to bordering on genital self-mutilation. But the joke I remember most from the old Southwest Conference days goes something like this: Did you hear that Texas A&M’s library burned to the ground? Both books were completely destroyed, and one of them wasn’t even colored in yet.

Jeb: This guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. As the bartender serves the drink, the guy asks, “Hey, I heard a good Aggie joke the other day. Do you want to hear it?” The bartender says, “Well before you tell it, I should warn you that I’m an Aggie. See those two guys at the end of the bar? They’re Aggies. And see those guys over at that table. They’re Aggies too. Are you sure you want to tell that joke?” The guy replied, “Hell no! I don’t want to explain it five times.”

THE GAMES
#10 Arkansas vs. #23 Texas A&M
Jeb: Well, I can’t tell an Aggie joke and then pick the Hogs to lose can I? This game is always close. I know it, you know it, the odds makers know it. Yes, I am an eternal optimist when it comes to our Razorbacks, but I think we have a slight edge on having an experienced playmaker at quarterback, and a dependable kicker who seems oblivious to pressure situation. Plus, my godson Hayden attends Texas A&M, and I don’t want listen to his smack talk for the next 12 months. I’m going to say the Hogs win by a late field goal, 38-36.

Todd: Until last Saturday night, the Hogs had lost 27 straight games in games they were trailing after the 3rd quarter. Not anymore. Bobby came in and schemed really well for almost three quarters. Missouri State took advantage of a defense with a lot of holes. But unlike past years when the Hogs would have folded, they didn’t. This game will be the fourth time both teams have been ranked at the same time at Cowboy Stadium. The Hogs are 2-1 in those games. The Aggies are coming off a 7-point win against Miami where the offense looked stagnant again. Arkansas is ranked dead last in the country in pass defense, and have given up the most sacks as well. Getting Myles Slusher back this week should help. Meanwhile the Hog offense is rolling, minus the three turnovers last week that kept the Bears in the game. You have to like the Hogs’ chances if this becomes a shootout because of the offensive weapons. The stat that stands out is that A&M has two missed tackles on the year, while the Hogs have 24. Tackle better, and along with this offense, you get the W for the second season in a row. Get ready for a heavy dose of Rocket Sanders all day. Hogs 31-24.

#5 Clemson @ #21 Wake Forest
Jeb: Why does Wake Forest have to be all pretentious with two names when one name will do? Wake Forest. Demon deacons. Located in Winston-Salem. North Carolina. Ugh, get over yourself. Also, the Wake Forest mascot was dreamed up by a drunk fraternity student in the 1940s who thought it would be funny to dress up as a Baptist preacher possessed by the devil. No wonder Wake Forest isn’t any good, you don’t taunt a man of the cloth and not have karma come back and bite you. Clemson 19-12

Missouri @ Auburn
Todd: I said last week I can’t pick Auburn as long as TJ Finley is the QB. He and the other QB Ashford have thrown more interceptions than touchdown passes. 6 to 2. But they are playing an even worse team in Mizzou this week. Who gets fired first? Drinkwitz or Harsin? Just kidding, the whole country knows it will be Harsin. The Tigers from the Plains take it 27-20.

David: It was rumored that both of these coaches were considered for the Arkansas job when Pittman was hired after the 2019 season, but neither seemed to be interested in the position. It will be fun watching them twist in the wind. I’ll give the nod to the home team. 28-21, Auburn.

#20 Florida @ #11 Tennessee
Todd: After pulling the upset in the first week against #7 Utah, the Gators followed up with a loss to Kentucky and then won ugly against South Florida. The Vols haven’t been world beaters, beating the likes of Ball State, Akron, and a decent Pitt team. This will be the first true test for the Tennessee defense. The good news is the Gators have struggled with its passing game. I think it will be too much Hendon Hooker and an electric atmosphere for the young Florida QB Anthony Richardson. Tennessee wins 30-20.

Jeb: Is Josh Heupel trying to win an award for the fattest former Heisman Trophy winner? Did Billy Napier go to his barber with a picture of Billy Bob Thornton and say “cut it like Sling Blade”? We need answers to these questions. Not that this game matters in the big scheme of things, since the winner of this matchup will likely end up second in the SEC East behind Georgia at the end of the year. Last time I checked, they didn’t hand out trophies for conference division runner ups. I’ll say Tennessee 43-22.

#22 Texas @ Texas Tech
David: If Texas is ever going to come back as a national contender, they have to be able to dominate middling teams from the Big 12, even when facing them on the road. The Red Raiders have already split games with a couple of ranked teams, so they are battle tested. I think the Longhorns have the athletes to start pulling away near the end of a scrappy contest, 31-20.

Todd: Texas Tech Head Coach Joey McGuire says the Horns down penalty in the Big 12 makes him laugh and he doesn’t get it. He said he will make sure they play by the rules because he doesn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. I think they will. Red Raiders 31-28.

Wisconsin @ #3 Ohio State
David: Ohio State is still a favorite to make the College Football Playoffs. They have the horses to score in bunches. Wisconsin will score 17 points, because it seems like almost every Big Ten team scores about 17 points. Let’s call this one 38-17 Buckeyes.

Editor’s note: Now in its 11th year, Tusk to Tail is the sport of tailgating as organized, performed and perfected by a group of Hog fans who have been tailgating together sober and otherwise for more than a decade. The primary focus of Tusk to Tail will be to follow the Hogs through the fans’ perspective with their insightful, irreverent, smart-alecky and sometimes practical style. The diehards may also be followed on their Facebook page. Or follow the crew on Twitter and Instagram, all @TuskToTail.